Leaving Competitive Dance Behind

In our studio, we learn whether or not our dancer is invited to be a part of the company dance team in August each year. When my girls were young, they pestered me throughout the summer to check my email constantly to find out if they had made the team. And when the notification did arrive, I would sit them down to discuss the year-long commitment they were about to make.

We would go over how time-consuming it was, how they would be expected to turn down social invitations to meet their responsibilities, and everything else their participation would require. I would reiterate how important it was to keep up with their schoolwork, even when dance ran late. We would talk about the importance of investing their best efforts, because they would be giving their word by signing the contract. And each year, they would agree to all of these things.

Until 2023.

Reading the Signs

For a couple of years prior, Jayden’s enthusiasm for dance had been waning. I would hear it in her voice, especially when she expressed frustration about having no time to spend with friends or try other activities. She grew more reluctant to show me choreography she had learned, skills she had mastered, and other aspects of the experience that she had eagerly shared with me in the past. When we had a competition coming up, she seemed less excited than she did when she was younger. She talked about dance less, and was quieter in the car rides home.

For a while, I chalked it up to her entering adolescence. I knew it was not unusual to adopt the “whatever” attitude I had often seen in the middle schoolers I teach, so I was not particularly alarmed. After all, her twin sister Jocelyn also talked about dance less than she did in her younger years. So I figured it might just be a phase she was going through, and decided to give her some space. 

Turning the Corner

But throughout the 2023 season, Jayden began to talk about quitting the team at the end of the year. These weren’t “maybe-I’ll-quit” types of comments; they were more absolute and final.

But at our last regional competition that year, she won title for the first time. She was crowned Teen Miss Starpower at a competition in May, and I nearly burst with pride when she received her prize. She looked so genuinely happy, and I remember wondering whether or not this was what was missing for her all along. While she and Jocelyn’s duo was always very successful, her solo placement was more inconsistent. So to see her bask in a moment of glory, all on her own, made me wonder if this was the validation she needed.

One of the first things she said to me, after all of the congratulations and photos, was “Mom, I won title at my last regional ever!” I gasped, and the reality of what she had just said hit me like a ton of bricks. In that moment, I knew she meant it; she fully intended on leaving competitive dance behind. 

“The Talk”

At that same competition, my mother suffered a fatal stroke (at the time, the girls did not know – that’s a whole different story). So we did not revisit the topic for several weeks, after nationals were over and we were in the midst of gearing up for the World Dance Championship. When we finally did have “the talk,” I asked her to tell me why she wanted to quit the team. She simply said, “Mom, I lost my passion for it.”

Then she explained that she felt like she was missing out on so much, not being able to participate in sports, hang out with friends, and just relax. She went on to say that she kept going for as long as she did because of the duo she shared with her sister, but that she just could not do it anymore. My heart ached at how sad she sounded, and I knew this was not a temporary phase that she would grow out of. 

Calling It Quits

To her credit, Jayden knew that she absolutely needed to fulfill her commitment by seeing it through to the end. While that may not seem like a big deal, other students have left the team before Worlds in the past (so I am pretty sure that Jayden knew better than to even ask). But watching them perform their duo for the last time ever at Nationals was one of the most difficult things I have had to do as a dance mom, and I failed miserably at containing my emotions. 

We did not inform the dance studio of her plans until after the World Dance Championship, but Jayden had told a handful of her teammates. And of course, teenage girls are not well-known for their secret-keeping abilities, so word spread throughout the team. After their final performance at Worlds, I saw her, her sister, and several teammates holding each other and crying. Once again, my attempt to hold myself together fell short. 

Exit Strategy

Once we had officially informed the studio of Jayden’s departure, she and I discussed what her dance future would look like. The twins have been taking classes since they were two years old, and on the competition team since they were five, so our family had invested a significant amount of time and money into their dance education.

I made it clear to her that I was not about to throw that all away, and that she would be expected to enroll in some recreational (or “rec”) classes to keep her skills up. After all, she was only just entering high school and might change her mind (and want to rejoin the team) in the future. So we decided on a handful of classes, including ballet, pointe, acro, and tap that she would attend throughout the next year.

Once those decisions were made, Jayden turned her attention towards joining new activities. This past year, she played soccer and ran track (both winter and spring) for her high school. She also took a weekly recreational gymnastics class. She found success in both soccer and track; while she did very well in gymnastics too, she decided to drop the class for this coming year.

Both she and I are often asked whether she will ever return to competitive dance – I don’t like to say that anything is absolute, but I do not expect her to come back to the team. As of right now, she seems content with her activities and social life, so it would probably take a big change for her to want to rejoin. 

The Rest of Us

One of the more frequent questions I am asked is how Jocelyn handled her twin’s departure. Because Jocelyn already knew her sister was struggling to stay motivated in dance, there was no big, dramatic moment of Jayden revealing her decision. She told me that she was not surprised, and was happy that Jayden was finding things that she was passionate about. 

Throughout this past year, Jayden has been Jocelyn’s most vocal supporter at competitions, even warming her up before her solos and offering suggestions. And Jocelyn has had a breakthrough year, scoring four regional and one national title, scholarships, special awards, top-tier scores, and placements within the top four at every competition (and some had over 100 entries). She even wanted to try some “extras” this year, including college clinics, Power Pak, and the World Dance Pageant. So she seems to be handling it very well, and I couldn’t be happier for her.

Making peace with Jayden’s decision has not been easy for me personally. It took quite a bit of time for me to accept the finality of her decision, and I still get teary watching old videos of her solos and the girls’ duos.

But she is a young woman, and watching her try new things, meet new people, and face new challenges is very gratifying. I attend every soccer game and nearly every track meet (a couple have been held out of state, and I need to be home for Jocelyn), and try to take as many pictures as I can sneak (she hates pictures of herself when she’s out of breath and sweaty). I am beyond proud of her, especially of her willingness to explore new opportunities in unfamiliar territory.

In tougher moments, I try to remind myself that Jayden needed to leave competitive dance behind to find herself. At least, for now.

Is your dancer ready to take the stage for a solo? Consider all the factors in Flying Solo: A Dancer’s Big Moment!