How could such an adorable child produce such a vomit-inducing stench?
This meme was originally published on my Facebook page on September 19, 2019.
You’ve been in one of these scenarios before (or if you’re a new dance parent, you would be wise to prepare yourself for both):
You’re driving your kids home from dance class and, seemingly out of nowhere, a pinprick of odor penetrates your inner nostrils. You hope it passes, but instead, it grows stronger and more pungent. “What is that?” you cry, your voice tinged with desperation and terror. “I took my shoes off” your child innocently replies. “Put them back on!” you frantically cry out. But in your heart of hearts, you already know it’s too late. In your mind, you’re wondering if the local car wash is open and how much extra they’ll charge to hose your interior down with some sort of industrial-strength detergent. Or maybe you should just buy a new car…
You’re cleaning an area of your house, and you spot your child’s dance bag. “I wonder how long it’s been since that thing’s been cleaned out” you ask yourself, nobly resolving to set the bag in order. Feeling productive, you reach down and unzip it. Within a hot second, you fiercely regret opening Pandora’s Box with every fiber of your being. The stench of sweaty, overworked, filthy feet hits you in the face with the force of a blast of dynamite. “It’s in my mouth!” you cry out in horror, for the odor has touched your tongue and you can now taste it. Reflexively, you swallow; you have now consumed the funk, and it will forever taint your soul. Fumbling clumsily with the zipper to close up the mouth of hell, hot tears of failure drip down your face, and you wonder if you should drive to the nearest scientific laboratory facility to request a chemical bath. Don’t worry; it will only strip the first few layers of your skin away so it’ll be worth it.
Of course, there are variations of both of these scenarios. In any event, it can be difficult to face the reality that your sweet little angel can produce scents that make your toes curl. Just throw a charcoal sack in your kid’s bag to mitigate some of the stench, stress the importance of washing between one’s toes, and consider building a decontamination shed to throw those stinky shoes into, rather than allowing them to funk up the house.
For a tongue-in-cheek suggestion on how to dress your dancer for the 2020 dance season, click here.
