Curbing Their Enthusiasm
How I’m Striking the Balance Between Optimism and Realism During the Pandemic
“Guess what, Mom? We have dress rehearsal next week! I’m so excited!” (giddy shrieking noises and poorly-restrained screeches fill the car).
This is how my girls greeted me after dance class one day last week. Of course, I already knew about it (the dance moms text chain was already working overtime while they were in the studio). Since I first saw that message and the accompanying directive to start bringing the costumes to rehearsals next week, I felt my stomach tie itself in knots. How can I curb their unbridled enthusiasm, just in case things turn to crap (I have the best words, don’t I)?
For the past couple of days, I’d been reading stories from parents in California about their heartbroken kids; the state had allowed the dance studios to reopen just a week or so prior, but the spike in coronavirus cases caused the government to shut everything down again. Woeful tales of dejected kids, desperately crying from disappointment and frustration, tugged at my heartstrings. I couldn’t help but think of that old guy from the State Farm commercial, dangling a dollar bill on a fishing pole as he said, “You almost had it! Gotta be quicker than that!” It made me reflect on how perversely unfair it was to have raised those kids’ hopes just to have them dashed less than two weeks later. Even sadder, some moms described how their dancers are now refusing to engage in the virtual classes at all, and seem either sullen and hopeless or completely devoid of emotion. On top of that, countless other kids haven’t seen the inside of their studios at all since March, with the state governments having closed them at the outset of The Great Pause. The reality is that even though we here in New Jersey are enjoying our schools being open, we have no idea when the hammer will drop again.
So forgive me if I can’t muster the appropriate enthusiasm over the prospect of competing again. I would love to, trust me. I’m my girls’ biggest (and most shameless) cheerleader, and I shed tears at each and every performance over how proud I am of how far they have come. I’ve missed the whole experience so much, more than I thought I would. But I’ve seen and heard too much of the real world to develop a false sense of confidence that my daughters will grace the stage again this year. The situation is too precarious, with all of the factors being well outside of our control. So I have resigned myself to the very real, very bleak possibility that our competition season was and will remain a non-starter this year.
That would be fine, except for the teeny, tiny chore of having to talk to my kids about it. You see, my girls love to dance (that’s sort of why I’m here, isn’t it?). If they think they’re going to perform, and Mother Nature decides to throw some COVID-19 spikes into this cocktail, it will deflate their spirits more than it already has (I’m tearing up just writing this). But I also don’t want to be a Debbie Downer and cast a pessimistic pall over the possibility. Because let’s be honest: None of us knows what will happen tomorrow, let alone in a couple of weeks, so there’s a chance that the show will go on. Finding a balance between the two poles is key, but what measurements do I use to infuse the right amounts of both optimism and reality into our little chats?
It’s funny how a simple chance event can happen at just the right moment, a dose of divine intervention solving a complicated problem in one smooth stroke. Last night in my office, I was looking at a post I wrote on my Facebook page. It was a brief message of condolences to the dance kids in California, whose in-person classes came to an abrupt end. My girls came in to say goodnight and saw me bubbling (that’s my term for that face someone is wearing when they’re about to burst into tears), so they looked at the computer to see what had gotten me going this time. After reading it, they asked some questions about what was going on, so I explained it to them as simply as I could. After a thoughtful pause, Jayden said quietly, “I guess that could happen to us too.” Jocelyn added, “So then the competition would be canceled, too.” Startled, I took a brief moment to process what had just happened and to decide how to proceed from that point. I took a deep breath and said soothingly, “Well yes, that’s a possibility. We just have to take it one day at a time and see what happens.” They nodded their agreement thoughtfully, and we wrapped ourselves in a three-way hug before they headed up to bed. After they left, I sat staring into space for a few minutes to reflect on what had just happened. The whole episode made me proud and sad at the same time, and I let a few tears escape before I forced myself to regroup and go on about my business.
That’s all I’m doing to temper their expectations right now. There’s really no reason, at this point anyway, to have another discussion about it. They know that cancellations are happening all over the country again, and have put two and two together to arrive at the inevitable conclusion that they may be affected as well. It saddens me to know that this will probably take up space in some corner of their minds, subconsciously dampening the excitement they would feel under normal circumstances. But that awareness eliminates the need for me as their parent to belabor the point – they already get it. So I’ll take my lead from them as they discuss the upcoming dress rehearsals; if they’re excited, I will be cautiously optimistic. If they mention them casually, my reaction will hover at neutral. It’s not in their general nature to be pessimistic, but if they are, I will try to add a measure of hope to the discussion without creating unrealistic expectations. So many thieves have stolen their joy this year, so they don’t need me to do it, too.
Work hard, have fun! – Danielle
Read the updates: Dropping the Bomb, and then Living in Limbo!
How have you been dealing with your child’s disappointments this year? Comment below!
Gotta Cover ALL the Bases
28 Comments
Holly
I totally understand why you are struggling! Its been a crazy year and the children have given up so much, school is starting this week here and mine are excited about that… Me… not so much!
Beth Shields
So important to set the appropriate expectation and how hard, especially when we really don’t know. And little hearts have a hard time understanding. My granddaughters call it the “Big Virus” and have referred to things we have not been able to do because of the “Big Virus”. So good that you are aware of how this affects your daughters and want to guide them appropriately.
Christina Siwik
It has sure been hard on the children.
Kate
It is always hard not knowing what’s going to happen one week from the next.
Jill DeMasi
It’s so hard to make them understand the reality of it without scaring them. I hope it gets back to somewhat normal soon! We were lucky that softball started so it gave us some kind of normalcy here in Connecticut.
Kristin
The whole coronavirus situation has been the backdrop for many conversations I’ve had with my kids. Part of growing up is learning to realize this world doesn’t always (or even often) deliver. It has been a balance for us, too. I want my kids to feel the magic of childhood, while learning to be more prepared for the difficulties of real adulthood.
Lisa Shivel
This year has been crazy and so hard on the children!
Douglas Jasper
We certainly empathize with you, It has been a summer full of cancelled sports, camps and activities that are son normally participates in. Each time something is cancelled it is hard to have that conversation with him. Some times it is harder than others and hard to keep a brave face. We are fortunate that are son is taking it pretty well despite how much he was looking forward to things. I hope you and your daughters will be OK with whatever the end result turns out to be.
Lisa Manderino
I hope they get to perform and things do not get canceled! How awesome are they to be strong enough to acknowledge that things might now go as planned but hope for the best.
Sabrina DeWalt
It sounds like you are doing something right Mama.
Debbie
Your girls sound very mature! I’m hoping for no cancellations tho!
Maggie | leavemetodream.com
It was great to read how well-adjusted your daughters are! It’s so frustrating as a parent to have your kids disappointed in something they have no control over. What we do in my family is sit down and talk about our disappointment, figure out any alternatives and remind ourselves to be grateful for what we’ve got.
Cas
I have found it so interesting to see how children are reacting to these crazy times and how they are digesting the news. I hope there aren’t more cancellations!
Melissa| It's a Joyous Journey
Parenting through this pandemic has been hard! I’ve got one kid who has wanted concrete answers about exactly when things were going to happen, and I just haven’t had any answers. It’s been a learning process, though, and she has grown a lot in how she copes and responds…so have I.
Tricia Snow
I feel the most for the kids. Hope we all get through this soon!
Amy
I get the struggle. My younger one has no clue about anything going on but my older son seems disappointed on a regular basis. I try to have convos on a regular basis trying to reexplain the current situation and why things aren’t the way they used to be. It’s hard because you don’t want to be excited, get them even more excited and then disappointment all over again. It kills me when my babies hurt and I just try to remind them this is out of all of our control!
vanessa
This year has been hectic on the old and young alike. I’ve been facilitating classes since March and its a struggle to muster up the enthusiasm, but I do because my patients expect it. I can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’ and start seeing people once again. You’re handling things extremely well and let your girls know that “this too shall pass”.
Sara
You’re right, it’s so hard to find that balance for our kids. We are flying to Denver tomorrow, and I was talking to my 11-year-old tonight about the possibility of us not being allowed to fly back home if one of us gets a fever while we’re gone. There are just so many additional things out of our control right now.
Chelsea
I’ve been dealing with similarly. I don’t want to be such a realist that it scares and depresses them. But I don’t want to get their hopes up. We’ve been waiting to tell them what would happen with school until we knew (which was only recently). And we found that if we didn’t talk about it in front of them when we didn’t have answers, they did better and were less anxious. I feel for you. It’s rough right now… as parents, we have to cope with our emotions and help our children cope with theirs too.
heather J jandrue
It has been a crazy year full of disappointment. My oldest graduated high school and will start college. All not happening like they are suppose to. My other son is training for his black belt and training via ZOOM us not the same.
Santana
The best thing to do is what you already did. Be up front and realistic.
Alexis Farmer
Good read! I can’t imagine how many kids are going through waves of disappointment with their activities
Christina Furnival
Ugh I feel you! Such a balance to strike between hopefulness and realism.
Guy Guyton
Great read, thanks for sharing. I’m glad ya’laa still have a sense of community during all the chaos. Also, those masks are fantastic!
Leeandra
It so sad that we have to be worried about things being canceled and you having to let your girls down. I like how you discussed being between two poles and having to figure out the best way to deal with the situation should it arise. Your girls seem to be very understanding, but I’m hoping for no cancellations.
Kendra
I totally feel ya! My son got into an audition only Jazz performance band back in April, and they have had so many disappointments with canceled trips and canceled performances. Thankfully they have been able to squeeze in 3 performances since July and have another coming up in 10 days. It’s such a roller coaster! Talks about next year’s New Orleans trip are filled with so many unknowns.
Suzan
It must be so difficult, walking that fine line. So many disappointments right now for so many.
Cindy
There’s just so much uncertainty isn’t there? If we know we can plan. When there’s no way of knowing what’s going to happen next, it’s so hard.