Split Decision – When Dad Just Isn’t Into It
**Disclaimer – I am very much aware of how fabulous most dance dads can be, often shouldering burdens (literally and figuratively) to lighten the load on their families. I love watching them get dressed in studio gear, enthusiastically embracing the role of their child’s loudest cheerleader. I also acknowledge that the situation can be reversed (Mom is just not into it), although I myself have not encountered that situation often. This is written based on my own personal experience of being a divorced dance mom, nothing more. Kudos to all of the engaged, supportive dance dads (and moms!) for all they do!
B. C. (Before Children)
When I was pregnant with my twin daughters, I had their dance studio picked out before I had chosen a name for Baby A (true story). When Jayden (as she eventually came to be known) and Jocelyn were in utero, I actually visited the dance studio where they would take their first class less than three years later. If you read the “About Us” page on here, you might remember that I was once a coach/choreographer for a couple of dance teams, and that studio was where a few of my dancers had gone. Before I became pregnant with my girls, I was taking adult classes there. I just knew that my daughters would at least try dancing at some point, so it made sense that I would enroll them in the studio I was most familiar with.
A. D. (After Divorce)
My husband (at the time, let’s call him “Morty”) knew that dance was a huge part of my life; it had been before I even met him, and our first real trip together was to Orlando for the Pop Warner National Cheer and Dance Championships (my team wound up winning 1st place for the third year in a row that December, so he knew I was heavily involved in it). When talk of extracurricular activities came up during my first pregnancy, Morty firmly proclaimed, “No dance!” His cousin’s daughter was immersed in competition dance at the time, and Morty was, well, mortified at how much traveling, time, effort, and money had to be invested to sustain that lifestyle. He relented when the girls were about two and a half, allowing them to take three years of preschool classes and one year of competition. After their third recital, he said, “You can really see how confident and strong the older girls (in the company) are. I want our girls to be like that.” He also noted how his cousin’s daughter never got into any real trouble; she barely returned the boys’ attention because they just weren’t important enough to warrant her time. Although he was never thrilled with their involvement, he at least developed a begrudging acceptance of it.
Then we split (I’d go into more detail, but this blog is mostly about dancing, right?). Life goes on, and I wanted my kids’ lives to remain as unchanged as possible, so they continued with their respective activities. Naturally, the girls’ commitment to dance grew over the years, and Morty grew more resentful and angry towards their passion. He reversed course, claiming that he never wanted them to be involved with dance in the first place; this theme reared its ugly head during our lengthy, contentious divorce (which spanned many more years than I would have liked).
Even now, he continues to lecture them about how they are wasting precious time and money because they shouldn’t make a career of dance. He goes as far as to suggest (directly to them) that they are not talented enough to truly be standouts in the field, and that they should quit to pursue other activities. Awhile back, he showed them graphic pictures of a young woman that broke her spine during a gymnastics event, emphasizing that she will most likely never walk again, and warning them that they could meet a similar fate because of all of the tumbling, leaping, and jumping they do. They were petrified, but didn’t tell me because they didn’t want me to get upset about what he had done (I just learned about it a couple of months ago, and am still furious over it). He does not always bring them to class on his parenting time, and has gotten into verbal altercations with the studio staff. Last year, he did not come to a single competition (despite all of them being within an hour’s drive from his residence). My girls are understandably angry and disappointed, and often cry out of desperation and frustration. There is so much more, but I’m already tearing up. You got the point by now, I’m sure; I don’t want to waste tissues with paper products being fairly scarce these days.
We’re Not Alone (Unfortunately)
I know we’re not the only family that deals with this dynamic. In competition dance chat groups, I often read comments from moms that are fretting over how their husbands or partners will react to the dance bill, relating complaints from their children’s father about how much they have to travel or that he needs to watch siblings while Mom and the dancer are away, and other issues. Some of these concerns are valid, of course, but clearly mom and dad are on different pages when it comes to the role that competition dance plays in their family. If the child senses this discord (and they often do), it can shatter an already fragile sense of self-esteem and self-confidence.
The Importance of Self-Reliance
If you are facing a similar situation, the best advice I can offer is this: Encourage your children to dance for no one but themselves. They need to learn how to find intrinsic motivation within their own hearts and souls so their passion is real and genuine, driving them to overcome obstacles and face challenges with confidence and strength. Relying on external validation is putting their self-worth in the hands of others, which is a dangerous strategy to use on the path to becoming strong adults. I teach my girls to expect disappointment in life, but not to seek it out purposely. Expecting support from their father on their dance endeavors is a fool’s errand, and at the age of eleven, they are coming to terms with it. It still upsets them, and of course it always will (it would be unrealistic to expect otherwise). But teaching them to protect their hearts and minds through self-reliance is like giving them a suit of armor to shield them from the onslaught of negativity they are sure to face from the outside world.
Being identical twins, I pray my girls will always have the other’s love and support. Each is a built-in best friend to her sister, and they draw on the other’s strength and affection to get them through tough times. My wish is that they continue to remain this close throughout their lives, encouraging each other to find her inner spark when they can rely on no one else. But if that isn’t possible, my hope for all my kids is that they can find everything they will ever need within themselves.
Work hard, have fun! – Danielle
My daughters had to demonstrate their strength and resilience at a competition this year – read about it in On Their Own.
Does your child’s other parent refuse to support them in dance? How have you handled it?
48 Comments
Debbie
I agree. They should dance for no one other than themselves.
Danielle
That’s the most we can hope for – that they learn to find what fulfills them and chase after it.
Crystal
I didn’t grow up in dance but I loved gymnastics. I believe the same for all extra curricular activities and that is if they love what they are doing then encourage them to stick to it. No matter if others don’t approve. You are doing a fantastic job raising your girls to believe in their passion.
Danielle
Thank you! I agree with you – when they love what they’re doing and passionate about it, it should be encouraged.
Santana
The girls will be strong after going through this. Hopefully their father will want to have a better relationship in the future.
Danielle
Fingers crossed! Thanks so much!
Kendra
Both of my daughters were competitive dancers. I was lucky enough to have a partner that was supportive of their activity and attended all of their competitions. Many of the dads in our group were very supportive but there definitely were a couple that were not. I’ve noticed how it has affected these ladies now as young adults.
Danielle
For my girls, it has adversely affected their relationship with their father. I hope some damage can be undone as they become adults. Glad to hear you had a supportive partner!
Cindy
Yes they dance because that’s what they most want to do! It’s sad they have to experience disappoint over their dads actions. Sounds like they are becoming strong young women though!
Danielle
Thank you!
Tricia Snow
Why do parents do this? I mean if they were playing on a baseball travel team would he say the same thing? Just breaks my heart but it will be a good lesson for your kids.
Danielle
Yes, all sports and activities require some degree of commitment. I suspect that things would be different, in his eyes, if they followed his footsteps in his sport of choice. And I agree, it’s a good lesson for them to learn now. Thanks!
Alice
This must have been a difficult post to write. While not into dance, there was many times my ex husband was not there to support the kids in their activities. Keep instilling confidence in your girls.
Danielle
Thank you for recognizing that aspect of it. Yes, it was emotionally exhausting. No matter what the pursuit, it’s heartbreaking when a child looks to a parent for support and doesn’t find it there. Thanks for the words of encouragement, and take care!
Linda Egeler
So glad they have each other, and that you have found a way to keep them dancing.
Danielle
Thank you so much!
Eva Keller
My dad was one of those dads that didn’t really believe in putting kids into activities that required that much time, effort, and money. We played for our school teams and that was it. My stepmom was the complete opposite once her and my dad had a kid. She put my half sister in at home piano lessons at 4 and wanted her in everything. They argued about it all the time. There wasn’t anything I wanted to pursue to that extent anyway, so I didn’t care but the dynamic was just crazy.
Danielle
Sounds like one extreme to the other! Thanks for your comment!
Holly
It’s always difficult to have parents disagree about the way their children should be raised.. I think if the children are enjoying it than that’s all that matters! It’s harder on the kids when parents argue over them because they don’t want to disappoint either parent!
Danielle
You’re absolutely right. My girls love dance (it’s their second family), and it’s a shame that their father can’t accept it. Thank you!
Diane Kurzava
This just makes me sad. My ex-husband supported our girls activities as long as they were outside and he could bring his beer cooler. If they had an inside activity he NEVER went. Fortunately, my girls are married to men that support everything their kids want to do. I can’t ask for anything better.
Danielle
That’s great! So glad to hear their husbands are supportive of their kids.
Tiffany
Great insight – never thought of the what-if of separate households and the support needed.
Hillari
Ah! You had me at those baby twin faces. Oh my goodness, your girls are such dolls!
Danielle
Thank you so much!
Lisa Manderino
I love that it build confidence and they can support each other.
Danielle
Thank you!
Karie
My sister in law that is living with us and is divorced has a daughter that is really into dance, it’s her daughters life and the only way she is coping with all the trauma the family is going through. It’s her escape and then it’s horrible to hear her father tell her only hoes dance. Here she is a beautiful young dancer and her father refuses to go to any shows because he doesn’t want his daughter to be a hoe. I am horrified that a father would talk like that. If only some parents would really think about what they say and do.
Danielle
That is absolutely horrible! I hope the girl is able to turn a deaf ear to her father’s insults and continue on her path.
Barbara
One should dance because THEY love it! It should never come from any other motivation! Agree!
Danielle
Thank you!
Sara - Seek Discover Learn
Thanks for sharing your experience and what you’ve learned from it. Your girls are lucky to have you supporting them in all that they want to do.
Danielle
Thank you so much!
Jen
Every activity kids do these days is time-consuming and expensive! We held off for years letting our daughter play club soccer and even though her first season was cut short, she loved every minute of it. As parents we make sacrifices for our kids’ well being. It’s just who we are. Hopefully your ex will come around and see that dance is making a difference in your daughters’ lives!
Danielle
I couldn’t agree with you more; every activity requires some level of commitment and expense. When they find something they’re passionate about, it’s worth the sacrifice. Thanks so much!
Sandi
Parenting is difficult. We didn’t have dance, but it is not the only expensive, travel required sport, there are all sorts of competitive groups for hockey, soccer, baseball, etc. Children are expensive, period.
It is so good for them that you support their dreams and desires. Well done.
Danielle
Thank you! Yes, it has all gotten so expensive! It seems like all kids’ sports and activities require so much more commitment (financially and time-wise) now than when I was a kid.
Charlene
It was actually my son who first wanted to dance. I am a theatre person and he was involved in shows, but wanted to learn how to tap. After taking dance classes for a year, his sister joined the studio, then his baby sister joined. Other activities have come and gone with the kids, but we’ve always had dance. My husband complained from time to time about the cost, but when I took over some of the office management at the studio in exchange for a tuition discount, he relented.
Danielle
It’s great that you went the extra mile to make it work! I’m always looking for opportunities to put some extra $ in the dance fund (selling stuff, side hustles, all that). Thanks so much for sharing!
Suzan | It's My Sustainable Life
Supporting your children in what they want to pursue is vital in my opinion. Happy to hear they have each other for support!
Danielle
Thank you! I agree completely!
Tonya | the Writer Mom
I feel that parents should be supportive of their kids’ interests — at least they have you and each other though.
Danielle
Thank you!
Melissa Jones
It’s so sad when co-parenting has to be such a struggle.
Danielle
In our case, I call it “counter-parenting.” Single parenting is hard enough as it is, so it’s definitely unwelcome. Thanks for the comment!
Ruth Iaela-Pukahi
I’m sadly going through my second divorce. What you’ve experienced within the dance world, happens with many many things when divorce occurs. Anger, bitterness, and resentment towards a former spouse takes over love, common sense, and responsibility when it comes to the children involved. My children’s father has missed many band performances, sporting events, birthdays, holidays, and other performances. We live on an island, so distance is NOT an issue. We can’t change how stupid their father may be but we CAN be the best, loving, and supportive mom in the world. As long as my children know Mommy is ALWAYS there, they will be ok. Hang in there! Your beautiful talented daughters are blessed to have an amazing supportive mom like you!
Danielle
Thank you so much! Yes, we can only do the best we can to let the kids know that Mom will always be there. Best of luck to you and your family!
Danielle
So heartbreaking to hear about your situation. Stay strong, and thanks for sharing your story!