A Mother’s Guilt
Today is Halloween 2020. My ex-husband has the kids today, so I’m childless on one of the most child-centric days of the year. While that can sometimes be a very good thing, today I’m feeling the loss and pain of what could have been. So I really should not have been surprised by the onslaught of emotion that a seemingly simple phrase brought on.
After I got out of the shower, my beagle Dolly decided that she was bored and antagonized me to play with her for a little bit. She swiped at my feet with her paws and lowered her head and the front of her body to the ground, sticking her butt and tail up into the air, while looking up at me with those big brown eyes. I knew she was spoiling for a fight. She and I usually wrestle and play fight with each other a couple of times a week, so I’m very familiar with the signs of her wanting to “get into it” with me. Even though I had just gotten out of the shower and was wearing nothing but a towel, I decided to get on the floor and indulge her for a bit. We did what we typically do; I tapped her paw and she snapped her jaws in my direction (don’t worry, she doesn’t bite me when we do this). Then I tapped her other paw and her head snapped in that direction. This went on for a few minutes until she and I were grappling with each other as much as a human and a dog possibly can. At one point, I grabbed her and held her tight, feeling her warm, soft fur against my cheek, and said to her, “What if I don’t want to fight?” Without warning, the floodgates opened and I started full-on ugly crying (to my complete and utter shock). My entire body heaved, pressing into my shocked dog and the hardwood floor. Dolly slinked out from underneath me, completely scared out of her wits and unsure of what the heck just happened. She flattened herself and belly-crawled under the bed while my entire body racked with powerful sobs that I just could not control. I yelled in a sort of primal frenzy, “What if I don’t want to fight anymore?!”
I was completely taken aback by the force of the anger, pain, and fear that were coursing through me. The enormity of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. The weight of the truth behind them was just too much to bear in that moment, and I felt lost, hopeless, and frightened. For the past six years, I have known one disappointment after another. First, my father was taken from us way too soon. He had a wretched bout with cancer and there was nothing that could be done to help him by the time we found out. I’ll always regret some things about this time in my life, and the fact that I did not spend more time with him weighs on me more heavily than anything else. Four months after his passing, my husband and father to my three children told me that he wasn’t happy and wanted a new life. Without delving into the history too much, he and I still do not see eye-to-eye to this day, and practice a dynamic that I like to characterize as counter-parenting. Literally every decision is a fight, and it’s very difficult to draw on reserves of energy that are running dry. Just yesterday, we got into a disagreement about something involving the kids; it was more proof that we will just never get along (not that I don’t want to). As a result of the divorce, I had to leave the home I loved (my dream home, a beautiful house that this Jersey City girl could have never envisioned herself having for her own) and start all over in a much smaller space. Add to that the pressures of a new position at my job as a teacher, disputes involving bills, the typical “joys” of parenting teens and tweens; the result is that I always feel like I am engaged in some sort of back and forth with someone. And obviously, it’s taking a toll.
In general, I don’t put a lot of faith in spirituality, or messages from beyond. But somehow, a thought was planted in my head just moments after I questioned what if I don’t want to fight anymore. In response, I heard the words, “But you have to.”
It was that simple. I knew that the voice (or whatever it was) was talking about my kids. I’m the one in their corner, the one person consistently in their lives on a daily basis. I’ll always be one of the primary people who are willing to fight for them, whether they want me to or not. We work so hard to keep our lives as normal as possible, and there is just no way that I can give up. I can’t let them down any more than they have already been, even though they assure me that they’re fine and are worried about me. And that makes me feel even more guilty. Whether it should or shouldn’t, I can’t say. But for whatever reason, I stopped crying as soon as I heard, “But you have to” in my head. I wiped my tears, picked my sorry self up off the floor, grabbed a tissue, and coaxed the dog back out from under the bed. Walking over to the coffee maker, I said, “It’s okay. I got this.” Maybe it was the thought of a warm, rich cup of coffee that began to soothe my soul; regardless, I started to feel more in control. It really is going to be okay.
While it is daunting to know that you have a huge responsibility to your kids, there is a certain power that comes with that. Even though there are very few moments when I feel like I have everything under control, my purpose in life is clear. And that gives me a strength that propels me forward and influences everything I do.
There is nothing greater than a mother’s love except for a mother’s guilt. But if that sense of guilt drives me forward and gives me strength, then it will all be worth it. And for the days that strength is in short supply, there’s coffee.
Work hard, have fun! – Danielle
For more single parent troubles, read Split Decision – When Dad Just Isn’t Into It.
Walk of Shame
41 Comments
Stephanie
Great post. Can definitely relate!
Danielle
Thanks! I think all of us mothers can, right?
Cynthia
Thank you for sharing with such an open heart. You are a fighter and I think so many people will be blessed by your authenticity.
Danielle
Thank you so much!
Tiffany
It is exhausting having to fight for things throughout the day, but you are right- your kids are worth it!
Danielle
Absolutely! I know that, deep down, they do appreciate me trying for them.
Laura
The struggle is real. Conflict can take such a toll on your whole body-inside and out. At least fighting with a purpose- your kids- gives you a reason to not give up.
Danielle
Thanks. Yes, they are my purpose and, as exhausting as it is, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Holly
This is so true.. especially in goal oriented moms! It’s always hard to put ourselves first even in the most important situations!
Danielle
Exactly. I feel so guilty for even thinking about putting myself first, and it takes a toll.
lisa manderino
It’s okay to have moments like that, I know you said you don’t put a lot of faith in spirituality but what you described was a spiritual moment. Maybe your dad was cheering you on from the other side. You can do hard things!
Danielle
Thank you! I wish he was here in person to cheer me on. I just have to have faith that he’s doing it from above.
Suzan
Melt down moments are a cathartic release. There are times when putting yourself first is what will make you stronger in the long run.
Danielle
It had been a long time since I had such a gut-wrenching, soul-draining meltdown like I did that day. Thanks so much!
Sabrina DeWalt
I think guilt and motherhood go hand in hand. Even though my boys are grown men now, I constantly have feelings of guilt about how I raised them. In my head, I know I did the best I could do under the circumstances at the time. My boys often tell me what a great mother I am. But there are things that, looking back, I feel I could have done better, even though at the time I probably could not have. I don’t know if the guilt ever goes away.
Danielle
I don’t think the guilt goes away either. We just learn to deal with it, and accept it as part of motherhood.
Larissa
Thank you for being vulnerable. Makes me feel closer to you. Yeah. Losses a loosing are painful. I learned to cry them out. It helps to leave them behind. Crying helps. Crying heals. Keep crying it and then fight again. You’re doing it right:)
Danielle
Thank you! With all the crying I’m doing, it’s no wonder I’m dehydrated, lol.
Tricia Snow
So much guilt. But all you can do is know you did the best you can. I am really close to my kids. When they age they will understand. When they have kids of their own they will know.
Danielle
Thank you – that’s what I keep telling myself (I’m doing the best I can with what I have and what I know.”
Debbie
Parenting is hard. Love rules!
Danielle
Yes, it does! Love above all else.
Keirsten
I can relate to this a lot, even the doggy wrestles haha. My mom was a single parent & my dad well, he wasn’t much of a dad to me. The constant struggle and fight my mom had to go through on a daily basis to take care of her kids was admirable but trying. And that is why I now take care of her. I never want her to struggle again & I want to show her everyday how much I appreciate everything she did for us. So keep fighting, your kids will thank you for it <3
Danielle
Wow, this has me tearing up! So glad you’re there for your mom now – I’m sure she appreciates it beyond words. Thank you so much!
Chelsea
I definitely relate to this line: There is nothing greater than a mother’s love except for a mother’s guilt! And yes, when all else failes, thank goodness for coffee!
Danielle
Everyone tells an expectant mother how much she’ll love her child, but there aren’t nearly so many veterans that share their feelings of guilt. It’s definitely an aspect of motherhood I did not anticipate. Thank you!
Suz | TravelsWithSuz.com
Danielle – such a powerful and honest post! I’m so sorry you are going through this.
The breaking of a family dynamic must be so difficult. It’s so apparent from all of your posts that your life revolves around your children – as is natural – and it sounds so painful to not have the support of their father. I’m sorry.
Your imagery through your writing here is so strong and engaging. Did writing this also release something in you? This may be a direction to explore more in the future.
Best wishes to you. 💕
MissKorang
You are so brave for being so vulnerable and open. I spent my entire childhood, in an abusive, self righteous household. I was lonely for a long long time. I can relate to the struggle of wanting to keep fighting even when exhausted because thats what you need to do . Youre doing great Mama.
Danielle
I am so sorry to hear this. Thank you so much for your encouraging words!
Barbara
We are all our own worst critics, especially really great Moms. Constantly hold ourselves to a higher level of…” did I do everything I possibly could to make my childs life the very best that I could”…from discipline to opportunities, from educational decisions to athletic judgments/choices. I feel you! Steady the course!
Sandi Barrett
Mothers guilt- so much trouble we cause for ourselves. Our kids love us and we love them, sometimes that has to be enough.
Sydney Delong-Eat Simply Sweet
I feel this! Sometimes it helps to have that moment to cry and just let it out
Lisa S
Great post! I can relate to this all too well.
Amy Irvin
I can’t imagine what a divorce and co parenting is like, My heart goes out to you. Thanks for your transparency. God bless ya
Melissa | It's a Joyous Journey
I have had so many mom guilt moments lately. Mine has been mostly related to the way my kids have had to do things over the past year because I’m immunocompromised. It’s hard, but we do the best we can and keep going. Thanks for your honesty.
Marianne
I can’t imagine motherhood without guilt… totally draining, but absolutely worth the happy moments. I choose to sob in the shower… and when I come out, I feel like i can continue the battle. Its not a sign of weekness… just a necessary release to keep me sane.
April
I can totally relate what you’ve been feeling here! You are right we can’t just simply give up! Wether they like it or not we have to be there for our kids as there’s no other people who will be the first person to fight for them and defend them. I enjoyed this.
Melissa Jones
So true. Parenting is so hard and the guilt is as hard as the parenting stress some days!
Tiffany
Awww – hugs to you! I get it, we all get it, in one way or anything I am pretty sure this isn’t what any of us thought being an adult would be.
Maya
Vulnerabilty takes courage.So proud of you ,for your courage in sharing the most tender of feelings when it comes to children. Big respect and lots of love & hugs to you.Momma, you got this! You can do it! Somedays with more coffee than just 1 cup, but it is doable ! More power to you!
Cindy Moore
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I hope you can find time to nurture and care for yourself, so that you don’t feel so empty inside. You are valuable and have much to offer.