Au Revoir, Friends

It’s amazing how our social circle shifts as we plod through adulthood. When we were kids, we gathered members of our friend groups from our neighborhoods, classes, teams, and extracurriculars. After graduation from high school, we added people from college and/or work. Once we entered motherhood, we met other moms from playgroups, preschool, and activities. Looking back, I’m amazed at how my roster of friends has grown, shrunk, and evolved.

But once our children join extracurricular activities, we have less time for our friends. Let’s face it: We have less time for EVERYTHING, so we need to make sacrifices. And because so many of us are willing to give up some of our free time for the benefit of our kids, our social lives end up on the chopping block. 

Soccer Mom Saturdays

I got my first taste of this when my son started recreational soccer, back when he was just three years old. Saturday mornings and early afternoons were off the table when I tried to plan a get-together with a friend. Back then, I didn’t really see it as a big deal. After all, I had other pockets of time in my schedule that would work just as well (cocktail hours, for one). 

A few years after that, the girls started dance classes that were on (you guessed it) Saturday mornings. My then-husband and I played divide-and-conquer, and all three kids were pretty much done by the afternoon, so we still had plenty of time to work in social engagements.

And then, all three of my children decided to up the ante when the boy was nine and the girls were five. My son joined travel soccer; in addition to the regular games, we would now have to bring him to two practices per week. As luck would have it, the girls joined the dance company that same year. And from there, our family’s commitments grew exponentially.

Crazy Competition Season

We are in our eighth year of competitive dance, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t dictate our schedule. All three of my kids’ birthdays are right in the thick of competition season (I did NOT plan that one well), which complicates matters even further. In our family, we hardly ever celebrate on their actual birthdays because the girls have dance class, rehearsal, convention, or competition. We literally have to plan what day to invite family and friends over weeks (if not months) in advance because we keep certain days open for dance commitments.

Over the past eight years, I’ve had to turn down countless invitations that involved “me” time. For example, I’m invited to an annual “girls’ trip” to Florida with some high school friends. But because it takes place over Presidents’ weekend in February (the thick of competition rehearsals), I have to decline. While I love to see the pictures of my girlfriends having a great time, my heart hurts a little bit because I can’t be with them. 

Working Around Comp Season

But we all know that socializing with our circle is a form of self-care, so it should register somewhere on our to-do list. So what’s a self-respecting dance mom to do?

If you came here for some super-insightful, never-heard-of-before advice, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I only have a few recommendations, but I’m happy to share.

Tips for Keeping Connected

• Know your schedule and work around it. If you know that you’re going to be hella-busy during certain months, make time during the off-season to catch up with your friends. During the season, schedule a quick lunch or early dinner while your dancer is at the studio.
• Use your electronics to keep in touch. Sending a quick, simple text message like “thinking about you today and hope you’re doing well!” can lift your friends’ moods, and lets them know that you haven’t forgotten them. On the way home from work, give a friend a quick call for an opportunity to catch up (and make the commute more enjoyable). During COVID, my friends and I set up a twice-monthly Zoom “cocktail hour,” where we would chat on a video call with our respective refreshments. It was great to catch up without having to dress up!
• Spend time with your dance mom friends! Catching a quick meal together while the kids are in convention class can boost your spirits (while having spirits, if you so desire). Hearing that they’re going through some “stuff” can help you feel connected to each other because, let’s face it, we all have “stuff” we’re going through. 
• Forgive yourself. Your non-dance mom friends are probably extremely busy with their kids’ commitments, so they may be feeling guilty for neglecting you, too. 
• Remember that your kids are only young once. We’ve all heard the cliché that the years fly by, and I don’t have to tell you how true that is. 

Personally, I try to keep in mind that this hectic life will only last a handful more years, and I want to do everything I can for my kids while I can. I will have more time for my friends (and myself) when my children don’t need me as much. And even though that day seems so far away, I know it will be here before I know it.

If you want to manage the chaos of comp season, use the timeline in Countdown to Competition!